I'll be worthy right . . . only when you realize the gem I am. -Alanis Morissette

I have too much time on my hands.

I hate my situation and I feel as though I am watching every minute that passes. How I will manage to endure this for another 3 weeks is beyond me.

I have come to realize that although I like the occasional night in alone with a book and the chance to go to sleep early, I really do not like sitting at home all day with no one around and nothing to do to keep my mind busy.

Aloneness is not my forte.

I'm not sure I really want to journey into the recesses of my mind, which is probably why I have yet to open myself up in this new blog. It is easier to spend time searching the web for political related stories to get passionate about than it is to face my own demons.

Yesterday I ventured out for a walk by myself after I spoke to a moo buddy who sarcastically remarked that he wouldn't leave his house either if he had to wear a brace because his fragile ego and his vanity wouldn't let him. A stab in my direction, regardless of the intention.

I found the day very warm and my mouth very parched after only 3 laps around the park so I came back home and searched the web for pictures to use in creating a blog template I want to give my brother.

It was during that walk though that I thought much about regret and my life. I had hoped that in packing up things and storing them far out of reach that they would in fact one day disappear.

An asshole friend of mr ralph's found it necessary to point out to me that he doesn't like me because he doesn't think I am good enough for his friend. He brought up a dirty deed of my past to use as an example of how I have mistreated mr ralph and how he deserves better than me.

I was rather drunk during this conversation, but unlike other drunken conversations this one did not disappear in the morning to be replaced with a mind-numbing headache. It has lingered at the forefront.

I don't think much of the guy in question, in fact I don't know if I've ever met a more despicable person, so it would seem that I could dismiss his judgements and forget it.

I cannot.

Guilt is an ugly, vile thing. Living a life motivated by a sense of inadequacy is not fun.

I relate so much to the quote by Alanis as I feel I've lived my entire life based on judgments of other people. If you think I'm pretty, then I am. If you think I am not worthy, then I am not.

It is an energy sapping, futile existence. I will never live up to other people's expectations, and I cannot let my self-worth be dictated by everyone around me. It is not only bad for me, it gets me into trouble.

I only have control over the present. The past shall never be erased.

I have failed miserably at being the perfect partner. I will probably fail again in the future because I have still not reached perfection, but my devotion to him shall never waiver. This is what I know to be true. The intensity of my love has only grown, and for that I deem myself worthy.